Loss Of An Old Friend…

It’s been a while since I visited my dads burial site, probably a couple months. I wonder if it would made a difference if he would have payed attention to his sons. What if mom would’ve spoke up, would dad have changed his mind? What if I wasn’t in the garage the whole freaking time? What if Alex was 6, and I was the 17 year old. What if he knew then what he knew now to question everything he’s been told. I pulled up to his grave just to hear my grandpa cry. Then it all hit, so I’m stuck asking why. Dad why’d you have to do this, addictions can be broken. I’m not sure if I can forgive you but these words can’t go unspoken.

What if dad knew what he was doing? What if dad changed the things he was pursuing? I know I talk positive about it but y’all know on the inside it gotta hurt. Having a wife and 3 kids you’d think he’d know his worth. I guess sometimes it never catches up. Wonder if he believed in God or believed in luck. The body being a temple and dad tore it down. I can’t say I forgive him, but I wish someone would’ve called a lifeguard before he drowned. No matter how I feel, I know my brothers don’t deserve that. No matter what is said now, there ain’t a way to go back. I know I was adopted and maybe this ain’t my shot to miss, just give me some time and listen to this:

What if dad would have knew his future, rather then his past. You think he would have joined the movement by taking off his mask? Drop the addiction, for my mom, and for my family. Come home from work with 3 gifts for the kids randomly. Before I even got to cemetery, grandpa reminded me of what drugs can do. We sit down to eat, and he said “Sean, your dad really loved you”. That hurt the worse cause I honestly I don’t know if he did. He just gives me motivation for when I have my first kid. I don’t wanna be out of their life at age 6 because I’m more worried about myself, you’d think he’d have motivation to drop it if he saw his family’s health. Oh wait, they didn’t even know about it. I’m still not sure how I could forgive him so I wrote about it.IMG_2920

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